Tuesday 4 March 2014

The Fundamentals of Marriage

The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple.

Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.


For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH

Forgiving

When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.

One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.

If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.

Forget

When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.


Forbearance

Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).

Flexible 

Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.

We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be themselves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.

Friendship 

This aspect of marriage has three components.

First is to develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.

We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.

This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.

Friendly 

Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we should not force the issue.

Friends 

The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.

Fun 

Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.

Faithful 

It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.

The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.

Fair 

Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

Finance
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.

It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family

Family 

Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.

Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.

Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.

A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential.

Feelings 

Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first.

Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?

Freedom 

Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.

Flirtation 

A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.

Frank 

Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Facilitator 

When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.

Flattering 

Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.

Fulfilling 

To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.

Fallible

It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.

Fondness 

So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.

Future

Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.

Tuesday 24 September 2013

Hadiths related to Nikah and Reception (Walima)



Hadith No. 1 (Choose the best mate for yourself)

It was narrated from 'Aishah:
that the Messenger of Allah said: "Choose the best for your sperm, and marry compatible women and propose marriage to them."' (Da'if)
English reference : Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1968
Arabic reference : Book 9, Hadith 2044

Hadith No. 2 (Nikah not valid without a Guradian-Wali)

It was narrated that:
Aisha and Ibn Abbas said: “The Messenger of Allah said: 'There is no marriage except with a guardian”According to the Hadith of Aishah: “And the ruler is the guardian of the one who does not have a guardian. ” (Sahih)
English reference : Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1880
Arabic reference : Book 9, Hadith 1954

Hadith No. 3 (Nikah of Previously married / Virgin)

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas:
The Prophet (pbuh) said: A guardian has no concern with a woman previously married and has no husband, and an orphan girl (i.e. virgin) must be consulted, her silence being her acceptance.

Reference : Sunan Abi Dawud 2100
In-book reference : Book 12, Hadith 55

Hadith No. 4 (Mahr - Dowry by newly wedded husband)

Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d:
The Prophet (pbuh) said to a man, "Marry, even with (a Mahr equal to) an iron ring."
Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5150
In-book reference : Book 67, Hadith 85

Hadith No. 5 (Walima - Reception given by newly wedded husband / Mahr) 

Narrated Anas:
The Prophet (pbuh) saw the traces of Sufra (yellow perfume) on `Abdur-Rahman bin `Auf and said, "What is this?" `Abdur-Rahman, said, "I have married a woman and have paid gold equal to the weight of a datestone (as her Mahr). The Prophet (pbuh) said to him, "May Allah bless you: Offer a wedding banquet even with one sheep."

Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5155
In-book reference : Book 67, Hadith 90

Hadith No. 6 (Nikah to be conducted in Mosque/ Walima) 

Aishah narrated that:
The Messenger of Allah said: "Publicize this marriage, and hold it in the Masjid, and beat the Duff for it." (Da'if)
English reference : Vol. 2, Book 6, Hadith 1089
Arabic reference : Book 11, Hadith 1112

Hadith No. 7 (Quranic knowledge can be Mahr / Permissible to look at the woman before marriage)

Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d:
A woman came to Allah's Messenger (pbuh) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)! I have come to you to present myself to you (for marriage)." Allah's Messenger (pbuh) glanced at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, "O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me." The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Have you got anything to offer." The man said, 'No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)!" The Prophet (pbuh) said (to him), "Go to your family and try to find something." So the man went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)! I have not found anything." The Prophet said, "Go again and look for something, even if it were an iron ring." He went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet).' He had no Rida (upper garment). He added, "I give half of it to her." Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said "What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will have nothing over herself thereof (will be naked); and if she wears it, then you will have nothing over yourself thereof ' So the man sat for a long period and then got up (to leave). When Allah's Messenger (pbuh) saw him leaving, he ordered that he called back. When he came, the Prophet (pbuh) asked (him), "How much of the Qur'an do you know (by heart)?" The man replied, I know such Sura and such Sura and such Sura," naming the suras. The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Can you recite it by heart?" He said, 'Yes." The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Go I let you marry her for what you know of the Qur'an (as her Mahr).
Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5126
In-book reference : Book 67, Hadith 62

Hadith No. 8 (Not asking a woman to marry when someone else has already asked for it)

Yahya related to me from Malik from Muhammad ibn Yahya ibn Habban from al-Araj from Abu Hurayra that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Do not ask for a woman in marriage when another muslim has already done so."

USC-MSA web (English) reference : Book 28, Hadith 1 Arabic reference  

Hadith No. 9 (Man can propose a woman for marriage)

Narrated 'Abdullah bin Buraidah: It was narrated from 'Abdullah bin Buraidah that his father said: "Abu Bakr and 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with them, proposed marriage to Fatimah but the Messenger of Allah said: 'She is young.' Then 'Ali proposed marriage to her and he married her to him."

Grade : Sahih (Darussalam) Reference : Sunan an-Nasa'i 3221
In-book reference : Book 26, Hadith 26
English translation : Vol. 4, Book 26, Hadith 3223

Hadith No. 10 (Man should see a woman before marriage)

Narrated Abu Hurairah: It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said: "A man proposed to a woman from among the Ansar and the Messenger of Allah said to him: 'Have you seen her?' He said: 'No.' So he told him to look at her."

Grade : Sahih (Darussalam) Reference : Sunan an-Nasa'i 3234
In-book reference : Book 26, Hadith 39
English translation : Vol. 4, Book 26, Hadith 3236

Hadith No. 11 (Marrying Virgins)

Jabir bin ‘Abd Allah said “The Apostle of Allaah(pbuh) said to me “Did you marry?” I said “Yes”. He again said “Virgin or Non Virgin (woman previously married)?” I said “Non Virgin”. He said “Why (did you) not (marry) a virgin with whom you could sport and she could sport with you.

Reference : Sunan Abi Dawud 2048
In-book reference : Book 12, Hadith 3

Hadith No. 11 (Women Whom It Is Disliked To Combine Between (In Marriage))

Al Miswar bin Makramah said that he heard the Apostle of Allaah() say on the pulpit Banu Hashim bin Al Mughirah sought permission from me to marry their daughter to ‘Ali bin Abi Talib. But I do not permit, again, I do not permit, again, I do not permit except that Ibn Abi Talib divorces my daughter and marries their daughter. My daughter is my part, what makes her uneasy makes me uneasy and what troubles her troubles me.

Reference : Sunan Abi Dawud 2071
In-book reference : Book 12, Hadith 26

Hadith No. 12 (Curse on woman who disobey their husband)

Messenger of Allah (pbuh) delivered a Khtubah in which he exhorted them, then he said: "O women! Give charity for you are the majority of the people of the Fire." A woman among them said: "And why is that O Messenger of Allah?" He said: "Because of your cursing so much." - meaning your ungratefulness towards your husbands. He said: "And I have not seen any among those lacking in intellect and religion who are more difficult upon people possessing reason and insight than you." A woman among them said: "And what is the deficiency of her intellect and religion?" He said: "The testimony of two women among you is like the testimony of a man, and the deficiency in your religion is menstruation, because one of you will go three or four days without performing Salat."

Reference : Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2613
In-book reference : Book 40, Hadith 8

 



11 Point - Plan for Marital Bliss

The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience.



The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.

1. Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often 

Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.

2. Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam 

Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.

3. Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations 

Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.

4. Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse 

Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)

5. Be Your Mate's Best Friend 

Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.

6. Spend Quality Time Together 

It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

7. Express Feelings Often 

This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.

8. Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness 

Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.

9. Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past 

It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.

10. Surprise Each Other at Times 

This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

11. Have a Sense of Humour 

This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.

Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements: 

- Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.

- Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.

- Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.

- Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.

- Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

- If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
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